


too shy to say but I hope you stay

by Cutelarents01



Category: TharnType the Series (TV)
Genre: Coming Out, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Pansexual Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:21:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24923794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cutelarents01/pseuds/Cutelarents01
Summary: As he stares at Mew’s kind eyes he feels a knot form at his throat, his mind racking over every possible reaction as to brace himself. Mew was an incredibly kind person, and Gulf wanted to spend so much more time with him, find out every little thing about him and sketch it into his brain. It was naive, he knew that. And maybe this wouldn’t work out or maybe it would, but he’d rather the cause of their break up be something other than his gender.He had to say it now. Just like a bandaid rip, just say it. Come on, Gulf, say it.
Relationships: Mew Suppasit Jongcheveevat/Gulf Kanawut Traipipattanapong
Comments: 1
Kudos: 69





	too shy to say but I hope you stay

**Author's Note:**

> Title based on "come out and play" by Billie 

This shouldn’t be as nerve-racking as it feels, Gulf thinks. Throughout the course of his 22-year life, Gulf has come out to an extensive list of people, you could say a privileged amount even considering Thailand’s still close-minded culture towards the community. It started with his family when he was eight, his school friends when he was ten, his new school friends when he was eleven and moved to a private school, his first girlfriend when he was 17, his first boyfriend when he was 19, a few of his new college friends, and also his current manager. Objectively, he has a lot of experience coming out to people, knowing well how he handled different reactions. From screaming and aggression to kind words and encouragement.

Yet for some reason, in this very moment, he felt as nervous as he’d been when telling his first girlfriend in his teens, as he paced restlessly across the expanse of his small apartment. You would think with all this experience, he’d feel much more relaxed than this, no? The knots forming in his stomach, bringing a sense of nausea along with them, the light layer of sweat forming on his palms, and the reddening of his lips forming as he bit them nervously, lip balm previously applied now completely gone from them, a clear sign that this was the completely opposite case.

Who was he about to come out to you ask? 

Mew Suppasit. The most gorgeous, gentle, quirky, talented, intelligent, hard-working man he’d ever met in his fucking life. It was absolutely insane how deep in his feelings for this man he was when Gulf had only known him for three months (yes!). Starting to go out with him after two weeks of meeting through one of his friends. Cherry had introduced them merely because they were both in the modeling business and figured they’d want to know more people in the industry, which Gulf thought at first would just end in a nice acquaintance to reach out to occasionally. To his surprise, it quickly turned into a ridiculous amount of flirting and then the pair getting to know each other into the “half dating half casually seeing” situation they were currently in. (Okay, maybe to him it felt a little bit more like fully dating but his apprehensive side never let him admit that out loud.)

Their entire relationship has left Gulf in a swirl of confusion and happiness. Being a quiet introverted person, specifically in the modeling industry, he was used to keeping to himself. To the majority of people, he was the type of person who sat there and looked pretty. Of course, Gulf knew his worth and intelligence were far beyond that but he still felt too nervous around new people to exert himself in unfamiliar situations. This of course gave him the uncaring “stuck-up” disguise and thus, few strangers had the courage to actually speak to him.

Then came Mew. With the older man’s persistent but comforting approach to coaxing him to speak his mind, Gulf spread his thoughts out for him much too easily. It was terrifying how quickly he was not only being affected by but also accepting the man’s advances. Fast-forward three months and they had spent countless long nights on video calls telling each other a million things, their likes, habits, beliefs, daily life. He was falling hard and fast, Gulf could tell. It wasn’t until last week during a conversation about their childhood and their school days that he realized they’d reached a point where it would be impossible to be with Mew if he didn’t tell him about his transition. That’s when the fear started creeping up on him.

Despite their many talks, they’d never discussed anything transgender-related in their time together, probably because it just never came up. They hadn’t even really told each other their labeled sexualities, Gulf just knew Mew had dated men before. Consequently, Gulf didn’t have the slightest idea of what the older man’s beliefs were when it came to the community. Considering the Thai general public’s views towards trans people, he would be naive to immediately assume they would be good. Still, he couldn’t help but have a smidge of hope that it would go well. With everything else they  _ had _ talked about, Mew seemed so open-minded and educated. Plus they had been able to talk about anything and everything with confidence and trust in the past, something Gulf loved about their dynamic. So maybe it wouldn’t turn out like the shit show that was his first girlfriend, (name-calling, swearing, disgusted noises, and a little bit of physical aggression).

He was anxiously tidying up the kitchen, the already made dinner sitting in the oven for warmth when the doorbell finally rang through the soft background music he was playing in his apartment. Tonight would also be the first time Mew would see his apartment in person so he had gone a little further than usual with the cleaning and ambiance setting (Okay maybe a lot further).

Gulf’s heart picked up in rhythm as he walked over to open the door. This was it.

“Hello krub P.” he greeted Mew first thing, ogling him discreetly (or at least he hoped it was) for a moment while he stood in the doorway. He was wearing comfortable clothes, sweats, and a wide T-shirt with a beanie covering his hair, a little dressed down from his usual outwear, but so was he, in a similar getup minus the hat. There was also a bottle of wine in his hand.

“Hello krub, Nong.” He stepped over to hug his warmly and Gulf could feel his ears reddening at the gesture. He was still getting used to how touchy Mew was, more than anyone in his life except for his mother. (Deep down he was really starting to love it. It was so comforting and intimate, it made his trust in Mew grow exponentially.)

“Come in, P.” he moves sideways to let the older man in once they leave their embrace, closing the door behind him. As Mew toes off his shoes, Gulf reaches for the bottle in his hands, “Thanks for getting the wine.”

“Of course, Nong.” A familiar feeling of giddiness spread across Gulf’s chest at Mew’s tone of voice, delicate but with intent. There was an accompanying pat to his waist.

Gulf, focus. 

“So this is my humble abode. It’s nothing fancy but it does the job.” He moves his eyes off Mew to gesture to his small living room and kitchen area, walking over to place the wine on the counter.

“It’s cute krub, like you.” He flirts nonchalantly following behind the younger man. Mew’s eyes wander around the space, from the football posters on the wall to his gaming console to the small candle collection he’d been building for years next to the couch. The cinnamon spice one, Gulf’s favorite, was lit at the moment.

Laughing shyly at the compliment (Mew was constantly giving him those and it was overwhelming, to say the least, he was still working on being comfortable with them) he sits down on one of his high chairs, “Do you wanna eat first? Or watch a movie? Either is fine with me, the food is already done.”

Mew’s face still had a small smile on it, like he was endeared, and it was doing a lot of things to Gulf’s heart. He really loved the usual gentleness and kindness of Mew’s face, it put him at ease because he knew it was genuine. He also loved the contrast of it to Mew’s cockiness and smugness which oftentimes came as quickly as it left when he would tease him. Sometimes his mind reeled at the way Mew was the perfect balance of serious and immature. There were so many layers to his character. Oh, did Gulf hope he could keep learning all about them. 

A burst of panic pushes its way into his head at a possible negative reaction from the kind face currently staring back at him and it makes Gulf’s breath catch in his throat.

“We can eat first since it’s already dinner time. I’m also kind of starving.” Mew answers and there's a following growl from his stomach to back up his claim. This makes the pair burst into laughter, which manages to distract Gulf’s crowded mind. It was so weird being nervous around Mew.

“I think your stomach agrees, P. Come,” he stood from his seat grabbing Mew’s hand to guide him towards the kitchen. There was a squeeze at his hand that made Gulf wrinkle his nose to avoid breaking into a smile.

“Can you take out the food? I’m gonna find us some glasses.” he points to the oven, and (sadly) letting go of his hand, Mew moves to take out the pan of food inside it. Meanwhile, Gulf rummages through his cup cabinet trying to find the pair of wine glasses he’s sure he has here somewhere.

Mew, having settled the food on the counter, stares at Gulf holding the glasses with an amused smile, as if he’s trying to hold back laughter, and the younger man wants to ask what’s so funny. Before he could ask him though Mew playfully gives his surroundings a once-over, “This is all very nice by the way. Home-made dinner, wine glasses, house music, did you come up with all of this yourself?”

Mew’s normal teasing smile appears just like that and Gulf’s ears are back to their red color, “P’Mew,” he whines, “I was just trying to be romantic, you know?” he steps over to set the wine glasses down, avoiding eye contact, “switch it up from the regular take out-”

Suddenly, Mew’s hands are at his waist, pulling him close so the older man was essentially back-hugging him, in a quick motion that made Gulf tense up. Once there was a lot less distance between them, Mew’s face much closer, he spoke again, puffs of air tickling at Gulf’s ear, “And I love that you did all of this for me. But don’t feel pressured, things are already romantic because we like each other, okay?”

All Gulf can do is nod shyly, left absolutely breathless by their proximity, Mew’s touch, his voice, his words. Gulf thinks maybe Mew caught on to his nervousness and was trying to dissipate it. It was always like this with him, Gulf could never successfully mask his true feelings around Mew, he’d always notice if something was off. Turning his face towards one side to look at him better, Gulf can feel Mew’s lips wander down to his lips, and he holds his breath for a moment. They tended to have this insane amount of tension between them, even people around them could feel it. But Gulf had been putting off going past kissing for the entirety of their relationship. For a good reason. He wouldn’t agree to anything sexual until Mew fully knew what he was getting into.

“We should eat now, assuming you’re still hungry for  _ food _ .” Gulf teases with a harmless elbow to Mew’s side which earns him a squeeze on his waist and a chuckle from the older man. 

“Crispy pork with basil,” Mew laughs as they both take their seats, food now plated and wine poured into the glasses. 

With a giggle, Gulf nods affirmatively, “Yes, because I’d rather  _ not _ burn down my kitchen by cooking something I don’t know how to make.”

“Fair, this is still really good,” Mew praises after taking a bite, giving Gulf’s lower back a comforting pat, keeping his hand there the remainder of the time they ate. 

Enjoying the meal, they talk to each other about their days. Mew tells Gulf about his research progress which is going well, it’s just a lot of information, and Gulf tells him about his internship and what they discussed today during the football commentary show he’s been assigned to. It’s their usual flow of conversation and it calms the nerves inside Gulf greatly. He could always get lost in listening to Mew, focused on absorbing any and all information for later reference, and of course also sharing his own thoughts with him, eager to hear his opinion. 

He’d almost forgotten about what he had to reveal tonight, lost to his comfortable dynamic with Mew and a little buzzed from the two wine glasses he had gotten through during their meal, until he was standing with the older man by the sink, washing up dishes. As soon as the thought of it popped up in his head his heart was banging against his chest. All the same emotions that surfaced every time he did this came rushing forward like a wave. Maybe it would never get easier doing this, Gulf thinks. His body was already tensing up immensely at his brain’s initiative to get Mew’s attention. They were finishing up the dishes, it had to be now.

“P’Mew,” finally finding the courage to call out the older man’s name once the last dish is clean, Gulf’s voice wavers in a way that sounds foreign to himself. Mew was standing next to him with a rag in hand as he dried a cup. 

“Yeah?” With Mew looking up from his task, they were finally making eye contact. His movements slow down as Gulf stares at him for a second and then two, face turning more serious. Surely, Gulf looked a little pale, the feeling of nausea starting to make an appearance again.

“I have something to tell you.” noticing Gulf’s unease, Mew sets everything in his hands down. He turns so he’s fully facing the younger man, sliding his hands into Gulf’s waist and holding onto it to bring him closer. Although he looks a bit confused, his eyes soften quickly, tone gentle but concerned, “Hey, you can tell me anything. It’s just me.” 

It’s ridiculously comforting and Gulf isn’t sure if it’s helping him or making things worse.

As he stares at Mew’s kind eyes he feels a knot form at his throat, his mind racking over every possible reaction as to brace himself. Mew was an incredibly kind person, and Gulf wanted to spend so much more time with him, find out every little thing about him and sketch it into his brain. It was naive, he knew that. And maybe this wouldn’t work out or maybe it would, but he’d rather the cause of their break up be something other than his gender. 

He had to say it now. Just like a bandaid rip, just say it. Come on, Gulf, say it. 

“I’m transgender.” 

Gulf holds his breath as he watches Mew’s face and reaction closely. His eyes are now wide, although not comically or as big as he’s seen in people before. Other than that there's a lack of visible shock in the older man’s face or any other emotion in fact. But maybe he wasn’t the type to blow up when he was angry and could still react badly. Gulf’s honestly not sure. And it was making him freak the fuck out. So he keeps talking.

“I started transitioning at 8. Yes, my family knows and is very supportive. Started testosterone at 15, got my top surgery at 16, still not sure about the bottom surgery. I think that’s all,” Gulf rambles, trying to get all the important points out of the way. Piling the information up like this always made it easier to gauge how bad the reaction was going to be. 

Mew still seemed to be a little speechless and in shock, putting some separation between their bodies as his arms loosened their grip on Gulf. The silence between them, the only audible thing being the soft music that was still playing, was eerie. Gulf moved his eyes away from Mew’s shocked ones to stare at his fidgeting hands which were now in front of him.

In the silence, he  _ prayed _ this wasn’t the end of them.

Maybe ten seconds pass, or maybe it’s much longer than that Gulf isn’t entirely sure, when Mew finally moves to say something. What comes out is soft laughter though, definitely not what Gulf was expecting. 

He tenses up immediately, a second away from backing away out of Mew’s arms completely but then-

“I guess now would be a good time to tell you I’m pan.” Mew’s eyes were crinkled and his smile was as wide as always. 

**Oh.**

Just like that, all the tension in Gulf’s body seeps out, leaving him with the best wave of relief he’s ever felt.

“Thank  _ fuck _ .” he curses out with a sigh, wrapping his arms around Mew’s neck and hugging him tightly, needing his comforting touch after being so god damn nervous. Gulf thinks he feels so relieved he could cry, but he’s always been better than crying so he just buries his face into Mew’s neck, breathing in his scent. The older man just wraps his arms around his waist and pulls him in just as tightly as Gulf’s holding onto him. It’s the best hug they’ve had so far in their relationship. Gradually, Gulf’s heartbeat returns to a normal pace. Then they’re laughing together. 

Mew backs up from their embrace to face him, a playful smile sitting on his lips, giving his body a squeeze, “I realized when I was 13, came out to my family at 15.” 

At the copied structure meant to tease him, Gulf pouts before burying his face in his shoulder, tips of his ears gaining a red color. “P’Mew.”

“Kidding,” there's a rumble under Gulf from Mew’s chuckle and a pair of lips that press quickly to the top of his head. His heart now beats abnormally for a different reason than before. 

In a much softer tone, Mew continues, rubbing at his back gently, “Thank you for telling me. You must’ve been nervous.”

Mew’s words bring warmth to Gulf’s body, like a blooming flower being exposed to the sun for the first time. How could Mew be thanking him for something that should be a given for any healthy relationship? Honesty. It reminds him of the one conversation they had about bad exes in the past, cheating having come up. Gulf makes a note to inquire about the severity of this bad ex later.

Right now he was much more focused on how emotionally charged he felt. Relief, happiness, and excitement flooding his system at once and leaving him reeling. Now that Gulf knew he could move forward with this wonderful relationship, it was like he didn’t care about anything else. He had to make it work with Mew.

Moving back from his arms, Gulf grabbed Mew’s face in both his hands, bringing their lips together a bit roughly, fueled with courage by his current burst of emotion. The feel of Mew’s lips was intoxicating as always, they moved so naturally against his, it made Gulf’s whole body tingle every time they kissed. 

Mew held onto him tighter, moving one of his hands up the younger man’s spine, which immediately helped Gulf melt into the kiss, letting Mew take the lead. There was a swipe of tongue against his bottom lip with no hesitation on Gulf’s part to open his mouth and let it continue on its way. Gulf’s hands moved to the nape of Mew’s neck and his thumb began rubbing gently at the hairs there. It felt so natural. Then Mew’s tongue was lapping at the insides of his mouth, rubbing against Gulf’s own tongue. Mew knew exactly how to kiss Gulf to get him under his control while also making him feel completely safe and cherished ( _ pretty even _ ). And oh did Gulf love that. Made him think about how good they could be together in  _ that way _ . 

As Gulf continues to give in to the older man’s warmth, pressing himself into Mew’s touch, the hands previously at his back seem to get a mind of their own, shifting up and down across the expanse of Gulf’s back. It doesn’t faze him at first, too distracted by how nice it feels to process that things were escalating but then Mew sucks Gulf’s tongue in a way that is much too erotic for what the younger man can handle. The slurping sound reaches his ears and sends a shiver up his spine, the heat inside him building. Gulf, what are you doing?

Detaching their lips with a wet sound, Gulf rasped out his words, “Wait.”

Like a switch was flipped, Mew was putting space between them, stopping the motions of his hands. He looked concerned, “What’s wrong?”

Mew’s now dilated eyes were doing things to Gulf, tempting him to just let the older do whatever he wanted with him. But his emotions were overwhelming and it was making Gulf scared more than anything. He had just come out to Mew, he felt vulnerable and open, not so sure he was ready to go all the way just yet. Awkwardly and a little breathless, he asks, “C-can we still watch the movie?”

At Gulf’s diversion, Mew catches on quickly to his uncertainty and nods, “Of course.”

Gulf notices Mew looks as disheveled as he himself feels inside while he’s leaving the kitchen to set up Netflix. If the way the older man fixes his pants before joining him is any indication. It’s overwhelming, how simultaneously sexy and adorable the action is. Gulf’s ears feel unbelievably hot. 

They settle for a new action movie, a Netflix original, and soon enough their intense makeout is long forgotten, ending up cuddled into each other, with Gulf’s head resting on the crease between Mew’s neck and chest. 

It might’ve been nerve-racking but the happiness Gulf felt at this moment was definitely worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed :)


End file.
